Brothers, Boys, & Buttfaces .... feeling chipper

Alright, so I'll try to make this quick as I haven't posted in over a week, I've gotten some lovely feedback, & I have to be asleep half an hour ago to be up for work in the morning.

On Brothers:
I'm sending him a journal. I love the guy - I can't help it. He's got problems, but he's my only sibling & honestly, he's a pretty smart guy with a great personality when he's not on something. Dumb boy. Anyway, he hasn't written, and though I thought that was going to make me feel bad, it doesn't. I mentioned before how he'd written the last time he was in a program, but I never wrote him back. I had started a response, but when I got more than half way through with it, I got mad and stopped. Mad at him for waiting so long to reconnect & mad at myself for "falling" for it. We talked about it very openly later when he'd been home for awhile so I figured it was water under the bridge.

I'm trying to see things from his point of view though, and I think not getting a response hurt him more than he let on. I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt here. When he's clean and we're around each other, we really do get along very well (it's just those times are so few & far between). He's mentioned before about wanting to connect with me but having feelings of guilt, so maybe he just doesn't know how to go about it.

All that to say this: In his letter to my mom this week he said he was ABSOLUTELY not going back to his wife (believe me, he's messed up but she's the poster child of dysfunction). That's always been his problem before when he's gotten into a program or moved out. He does great on his own but then they get back together & it all falls apart. She just isn't willing to change. Anyway, he told my mom it really is over this time (we'll see) & he's signed up for a 3 month program at the facility he's in & possibly may even be staying for a year. It's a local place, and as long as he keeps a part-time job, they make allowances for time out to see family more than in the shorter programs.

Ha. All of that to say this: I'm going to make the first step here. The kid has always been a writer. Poetry, stories, journaling... he's always had spirals and stray notes around full of stuff he's written. So, I got him a journal, a nice one - leather bound, something that he can set aside and really pour his thoughts into. I don't think he's ever really had one - just the spirals. Maybe it won't really matter to him, but I know that it makes a real difference in the quality of what I draw or write when I have a nicer book rather than just stray paper. I put more effort into it. Anyway, I'm going to make the gesture. I'm not going to make a big production of it, just going to drop it off with the lady at the desk & go... let him do with it what he will - All I'm even writing in it is: Love Leah.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.

On Boys & Buttfaces.
I'll elaborate on these more later as I took too much time on the Brothers. As usual, I had more to say than I realized. But to summarize:

Boys... don't listen. I move slowly. I tell them up front. They say this is cool, but then they get all crazy. For real man, be calm. New "possible" boy seems to be repeating the pattern, but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt here also and a little more time to calm down.

Buttfaces... another satisfied customer. My polite helpfulness results in a completely opposite response from belligerent(sp?) angry man. My "attitude" disgusted him so badly that he declared he no longer even wanted the book he had ordered. To which I said (shrugging one shoulder), "Um... ok"
Yeah he... he really didn't like that so much. There was more. It was humorous. It involved my manager.
(Had I not had a ginormous amount of wonderful customers all day to counteract his angry retardedness, I might not feel the same way, but I did - and I am still laughing.)

Ah - life. It is an amusing thing. *sigh*

Peace out

Here we go again...

My brother went in for 28 days not 10. Shows how much I know - that makes much more sense anyway. So, my mom and dad got a letter from him today, (huh - it starts) and she tried to show it to me. I stopped her.

She's going to see him tomorrow. Well, she can't exactly see him yet, not until next week. She's just delivering some stuff to him: a letter from she & my dad and I don't know what else.

I'm anxious. The last time he was in I got the aforementioned apology sob-story Please Forgive Me I'm a changed person letter. My parents got theirs, then I got mine. I dread this.

Ha!

Funny. I dread getting another one almost as much as I dread not getting one. Hmm.

*sigh* Someone get me off this ride.

Tomorrow is my mother's birthday too - 49 yrs old . . . and she's spending it dropping off things to her son in rehab. Happy Birthday!

Oh well. I have an opening shift tomorrow so I'll be off in time to for me and my dad to take her to dinner where, if all goes well, there will be margaritas. That'll make it happy for sure. =)

Coming Soon ... "Help! I Have Too Many Interests!"

Just a note of interest. I was watching my nieces as they swam in the pool today and there was a rather large water beetle that just kept swimming around them (not unlike Jaws).
It occurred to me that water beetles look an awful lot like watermelon seeds ... with legs.

Guilt Trip - Pssh!

Okay, so another customer encounter.

By now, it's probably no revelation that I work in a bookstore, so the other day I had this girl ask me to help her find this particular book, well a journal really, but not just any journal. This was one of those nifty little things that give you suggestions on what to write on each page like... "List your favorite words and why they're your favorite." .... or your favorite quotes, memories and the like. In general it's whole purpose is to inspire creativity and warm fuzzy feelings.

Of course I didn't know all this before I found it for her. Before I found it, it was merely another title with a human request. However, once I'd put it in her hand she just lit up and started gushing about how excited she was to have it and just went on and on about all the things she wanted to do with it. The phone was ringing and I was supposed to answer it, but I didn't have the heart to interrupt her.

She was just so enthralled in the romance and idealism of the whole thing and started talking about how she intended on starting a blog about it so maybe other people would read it and be inspired. I was about to mention that I had just started a blog too and was really pleased with it so far. I don't usually get too personal with customers but her enthusiasm was infectious!

But then she said it, " Cause you know, I hate those people who blog and all they do is just complain about their lives and stuff. You know? Like who wants to read about that? It's so annoying and depressing. The world is dark enough. Like what do most of us really have to complain about anyway?"

Alright, so that being a few days ago and my short-term memory not really allowing for such concise dialogue memorization, I winged that a lil bit, but it's pretty much the gist of what she said. My heart sank.

I quickly shut my mouth and thought, Holy Crap! I am "those people!" All I've done in this so far is gripe about my life. What is wrong with me?! I'm spewing bad juju all over the place! I used to be just like this bright-eyed optimistic girl standing in front of me full of idealism and optimism and.... NAIVETY!

I started to feel bad, but then I thought, Pssh! She's still living in that highschool bubble. She doesn't have problems. I mean the biggest thing she and most of her little friends have to worry about is next week's math test, the pimple that just popped up on their nose, and omg! Justin hasn't texted me back in like 5 minutes, my world is just over!!

Just wait 'til she starts having to pay her own bills, pay her way through college, gets her heart broken for the first time, sees friends come and go, gets stabbed in the back more then her fair share, and finally realizes that life isn't a Disney movie and there aren't always happy endings. Then lets just see what she wants to blog about then! ... Jerkface hypocrite!

Haha.... ok so I got a little carried away there.

Suffice it to say, I took a little of what she said to heart and though I did decide to start inserting some more inspirational stuff along the way -heck, I'm still that little optimistic girl somewhere inside here - I also feel that I sufficiently warned my readers what this blog would be. I mean, just scroll to the top and you'll see the by-line.

So, true to myself I shall stay and vent away.

Oh, and she really was just a cute little thing. She actually asked if it would be ok to come back and show me what she'd done with the journal. I told her of course, I'd love to see it! Like she said, the world is dark enough. Far be it from me to be one of those people who takes away some of her sunshine. I may even buy the thing myself.

Thanks - there's life out there after all.

Ok, so I just wanted to say a little thanks for those of you who've found this page and commented or emailed me. Of course I started doing this in hopes someone would find it, but I'm still a little surprised anyone actually did... and then took the time to read my stuff.

It's slightly unnerving that it's been read but oddly comforting too. Anyway, it's only been up a couple weeks and 5 people have responded. So cool. I appreciate the encouragement and kind words.

Also, the blogs have been a little dark and unhappy thus far but please stick with me. I promise, things are usually much cheerier.

Peace Out - Leah

This was not my intention.

My brother went into rehab again for the abuse of "prescription" drugs 7 days ago. He went in voluntarily. He has 3 days left. He cannot call anyone while he is there and no one can call him. He did not call me before he went in. I do not expect him to call me when he comes out.

. . . I'm ok with that.

Well . . . that's not entirely true. The other two times he went into a rehab program (he is only 27 years old or will be in November) he got all apologetic with me and tried to "reconnect" as he called it... "I love you, you've always been a great little sister. I'm sorry I've been such a crappy brother. I want to know all about you now... " Anyway, those episodes fizzled just as quickly as they sparked, their flames only being kindled by the many lonely hours of reflection that rehab provides in addition to the several group sessions where other grown men who traded their souls and potential for a fleeting high all crowd around one another and admit how sad and pathetic they've become and vow to change.

Once immersed in reality of everyday life though. . . hmm. You've seen the t-shirts I'm sure: "Rehab is for quitters!" Yeah, that's more like it. I guess you could say I'm a tad jaded.

I actually hope he doesn't call. I wish he'd never had children too. Don't get me wrong, I adore my nieces. They're my only real connection to him (well, other than DNA I suppose). If they weren't there, I'd be more able to truly distance myself from him and his drama - he almost overdosed a couple months ago. Well, he actually did - he was resparating - choking on his own vomit while unconscious. His wife was unconscious next to him from the same drug and had her 89 yr old grandmother whom they live with not "happened" to wake up and hear them to call 911, he'd be dead.

Not an exaggeration, not "well, he would've been fine if she'd just turned him over. I can't believe you were so dramatic and called 911 'cause that got the police involved and now CPS and that was just stupid." Oh, those are the words of his charming wife. (First let me say CPS is an absolute joke but that's for another blog another time). Also, the 89 yr old grandmother had turned him over and pounded on his back and yelled in his ears for him to wake up... all to no avail. Even the E.M.T.s struggled to get him to breathe again.

*sigh* but I digress

CPS found no real danger with that apparently and allowed them to keep their children then and two times now since then for other situations. It's insane. If the girls weren't involved I could wash my hands of him and let him do what he's going to do and not care. Well, underneath I would still care, it's only that the wounds could heal y'know? As it is, the scar tissue keeps getting ripped up over and over because of them. I can't push him out of my mind with them in the picture. (That sounded slightly sinister - I didn't mean for it to.) I can't abandon them - like I said once before - they're angels. Seeing them and knowing the crap they go through every day just hurts. We're trying to things the right way - the legal way - to protect them and but the law protects the addicts. It all makes me feel helpless.

I hope he doesn't call. He had been doing really well for a month leading up to his relapse. I had rolled my eyes when my parents told me that and said "Yeah, sure - I'll believe it when I see it." I didn't realize I'd gotten my hopes up this last time until they told me he'd (surprise!) relapsed. But alas - I had once again believed in my brother. Though I have absolutely no reason to any more. Having a heart is a very large life inconvenience.

Also, my randomness has stepped in again for this blog. I started out with the intention of commenting on a movie I'd seen tonight and it became a sob story. Geez. Anyway, I'll put this clip of it here and maybe comment on it later. It's called "Bella". I didn't want to watch it at first because my friend's description of it made it sound like a mushy love story deal which I am just completely over at the moment, but it was something entirely different. It was real, and unique, and not at all what I thought it would be. It inspired me. I think everyone with a heart (we poor souls) should see it.

Uplifted

I'm not completely naive but despite all the horrible things I have seen humans commit in my life, both personal and just in general, I overall had the belief that people were innately good.

Then I started working in retail and was quickly proven wrong.

Yesterday: Sunday (the Lord's day right?) I had the special opportunity to encounter probably the 3 rudest sets of customers I have ever had the pleasure of dealing with over the entire duration of my present employment. (If anyone's interested, that's been 8 months)


Jerkface #1: I'll call her skitzo wierdo - believe me it fits. She walked in the door within 10 minutes of the store being open and as she quickly strode behind me towards the customer service center she did not say good morning. (And she really should have: it was bright & sunny outside, the birds were chirping, I was smiling - for pete's sake we had Bob Marley's "One Love" playing in the store..... it really was a zip-a-dee-doo-dah day!)

But no - not for her - rather she snapped her fingers twice (because I am easily mistaken for Lassie apparently) as she yipped over her shoulder, "Come order some books for me." No please, no patience - just abrupt huffiness. I glared, rolled my eyes, then shrugged it off and went over. Ok, I did wait about 6 seconds before I complied and probably walked a little slower than usual, but hey, I have my pride. I found her books - some strange beyond out-there New Age stuff -at which point she suddenly became all chummy with me, got really giddy and exclaimed, "Thank you, Jesus!"

um ... seriously? ....

Not 5 minutes later though, Miss Pissy Pants had regained her composure & had huffed right back up to me now demanding that I order those same books on cd. (Let me insert here that what made her extra strange was that she was glancing around rapidly the entire time as if ninja spies were going to suddenly leap out from behind the bookshelves at any moment and pounce on her). Only one of them was even available on cd and our store can't order it. I told her she could probably find it online, to which she griped that "It's going to be very difficult to do that since my identity was stolen and my AP address won't let me do that."... not sure about the AP thing, but I thought maybe getting a new identity wouldn't be all that bad. She then got just completely rude and pretty much blamed me for her life's woes and continued to rudely lament that it was very stupid that we couldn't order something when we knew it existed and gripe gripe gripe. I tried to explain it was because it was only produced in limited quantites and our company owns none, but that there were several other competing companies nearby who might be able to get it... She then asked me to call one of these stores for her and ask if they had it. Of course I told her that I was sorry but I couldn't do that but could at least get her numbers for those stores if she would like to call them. She then told me I was incredibly unhelpful and again said it was stupid that I wouldn't order it for her. Anyway, suffice it to say she was one lightbulb short. She stormed off still yapping at me. Have a good day Sister Christian.


Jerkface #2: Not a huge story here. Just overall a rude berating oaf of a man (from New Jersey - no offense to anyone, just that Yankees aren't known for their social graces). I was at registers and checking out his order and he basically just had some snide comment for any and every thing I said. Look buddy - I don't like asking all these questions either, but you don't have to be an ass. He was probably close to 50 and the girl he was skeezily groping was probably just past drinking age (if that) so I chalked it up to just downright dirtbag.


Jerkfaces #3: Overly rotund, just past middle-age couple asked me about a book. (Sidenote - I have nothing against bigger people, but when they are hateful and rude, they ask for beratement ... they also smelled like cheese) When I looked it up, the computer showed that we had none in the store but I offered to order it for her. I was very polite but this lady literally reached a volume just under yelling that the man she had spoken to on the phone said we had three and that she had come all the way down there... (my bad for not being psychic). I told her that particular book isn't marked to even be kept in the store as it was a pre-paid item only but that if she was told it was in-store that I didn't mind checking the shelf. Of course she and her husband followed me berating me all the way. Just basically calling me everything short of stupid.

Because as we all know once an intelligent human being steps behind a counter and dons a name tag they automatically lose 70 IQ points - really, common knowledge people. Anyway, their book was indeed in the store (giving them further ammo) and then they asked for something else ... weren't at all specific about what it was... to sum it up, I tried to help - they didn't clarify what they wanted and then the man raised his voice to me again & tried to get all up in my grill. I'd had enough. I put my finger in his face, barked Sir!, pointed to another section in the store and told him he could look for what he wanted himself. (I know, I know - I'm such a badass). I then strode off leaving them to gripe about how rude I was behind my back. I told another coworker if they needed anything else that I refused to help them.

Fortunately that was at the very end of my shift so I left shortly after that. I then went out to eat with a friend. I ate delicious fattening food and got chocolate ice cream for dessert.
On my way home I saw an elderly man walking along the road with his groceries. He dropped them. The pickup behind me pulled in to a driveway right past him and the younger man inside got out, walked over to the man and helped him pick up his things.

All in all, it was a good day.