This was not my intention.

My brother went into rehab again for the abuse of "prescription" drugs 7 days ago. He went in voluntarily. He has 3 days left. He cannot call anyone while he is there and no one can call him. He did not call me before he went in. I do not expect him to call me when he comes out.

. . . I'm ok with that.

Well . . . that's not entirely true. The other two times he went into a rehab program (he is only 27 years old or will be in November) he got all apologetic with me and tried to "reconnect" as he called it... "I love you, you've always been a great little sister. I'm sorry I've been such a crappy brother. I want to know all about you now... " Anyway, those episodes fizzled just as quickly as they sparked, their flames only being kindled by the many lonely hours of reflection that rehab provides in addition to the several group sessions where other grown men who traded their souls and potential for a fleeting high all crowd around one another and admit how sad and pathetic they've become and vow to change.

Once immersed in reality of everyday life though. . . hmm. You've seen the t-shirts I'm sure: "Rehab is for quitters!" Yeah, that's more like it. I guess you could say I'm a tad jaded.

I actually hope he doesn't call. I wish he'd never had children too. Don't get me wrong, I adore my nieces. They're my only real connection to him (well, other than DNA I suppose). If they weren't there, I'd be more able to truly distance myself from him and his drama - he almost overdosed a couple months ago. Well, he actually did - he was resparating - choking on his own vomit while unconscious. His wife was unconscious next to him from the same drug and had her 89 yr old grandmother whom they live with not "happened" to wake up and hear them to call 911, he'd be dead.

Not an exaggeration, not "well, he would've been fine if she'd just turned him over. I can't believe you were so dramatic and called 911 'cause that got the police involved and now CPS and that was just stupid." Oh, those are the words of his charming wife. (First let me say CPS is an absolute joke but that's for another blog another time). Also, the 89 yr old grandmother had turned him over and pounded on his back and yelled in his ears for him to wake up... all to no avail. Even the E.M.T.s struggled to get him to breathe again.

*sigh* but I digress

CPS found no real danger with that apparently and allowed them to keep their children then and two times now since then for other situations. It's insane. If the girls weren't involved I could wash my hands of him and let him do what he's going to do and not care. Well, underneath I would still care, it's only that the wounds could heal y'know? As it is, the scar tissue keeps getting ripped up over and over because of them. I can't push him out of my mind with them in the picture. (That sounded slightly sinister - I didn't mean for it to.) I can't abandon them - like I said once before - they're angels. Seeing them and knowing the crap they go through every day just hurts. We're trying to things the right way - the legal way - to protect them and but the law protects the addicts. It all makes me feel helpless.

I hope he doesn't call. He had been doing really well for a month leading up to his relapse. I had rolled my eyes when my parents told me that and said "Yeah, sure - I'll believe it when I see it." I didn't realize I'd gotten my hopes up this last time until they told me he'd (surprise!) relapsed. But alas - I had once again believed in my brother. Though I have absolutely no reason to any more. Having a heart is a very large life inconvenience.

Also, my randomness has stepped in again for this blog. I started out with the intention of commenting on a movie I'd seen tonight and it became a sob story. Geez. Anyway, I'll put this clip of it here and maybe comment on it later. It's called "Bella". I didn't want to watch it at first because my friend's description of it made it sound like a mushy love story deal which I am just completely over at the moment, but it was something entirely different. It was real, and unique, and not at all what I thought it would be. It inspired me. I think everyone with a heart (we poor souls) should see it.