It begins...

Ok, so today I'm feeling, well - blah. I feel the need to write... something. The same thoughts are tormenting me tonight that I suppose have always done so. There are times when I've felt they'd be gone forever, that I'd conquered the demons and moved on. No, not demons. To use that term implies (at least in my own mind) that I am in part to blame for the things that have happened to me through out my life - that have made me this way: a little afraid, abandoned, hurt, lonely, unloved.... unloveable? Most of my life I did blame myself, which is alot of why I could never let it go and move on with my life.

Well, I still haven't completely I guess, but I have come a long long way from who and where I used to be.... much for the better. Ha, the idea just occurred to me that whoever may be reading this is getting all intrigued by that intro.... all mysterious and vague-like.... haha.

Just for a quick run-down which I'm sure will be discussed in more detail later:

Born with what's called club feet. Had several corrective surgeries as a child and they're fine now, but I have a lot of scars on my feet. I've been told they aren't as bad as I make them out to be. Still I'm very self-conscious about them. They make me feel unpretty and different.

My dad made my family move alot when I was a kid - for no apparent reasons other then he got restless. We moved 11 times before I was 10yrs old. As a result, I've never felt like I belonged anywhere - ever. It's hard always being the new kid. When people ask me where I'm from, I'm not sure what to tell them. I now live in the town my dad grew up in - 20 minutes away from the town my mom grew up in. I usually just choose one of these two places when asked what my hometown is, but it doesn't feel right.

Somewhere in the mix is a little run-of-the-mill child abuse. I may or may not go into that. To clear any crazy thoughts up: It was not family. It was not habitual (I only remember once). I was very young and it was life altering.

The main thing though is that my big brother started using a lot of drugs when he was 15 (I was 14). He has no relationship with me really and he's been in and out of rehab the last couple years. He just went in again two days ago - July 4th - how festive. The last time was 2 yrs ago on Christmas Eve-eve. He's got great timing doesn't he?
Only in the last year have I really started to realize how much his deciding not to be part of my life has effected me. I didn't really think it did before, but I know it does. It hurts. Not only because he's my only sibling and I feel abandoned by him, it's also messed up how I relate to people, mainly guys. I don't trust their intentions with me are genuine (let's face it, most of them aren't but still). I just feel like if my own brother wants nothing to do with me then why would anyone else? I only realized the falsity of that thought process a few years ago and have worked very hard to change it - so I got a much later start in the dating world than most my age.

That's only a synopsis of the dark stuff. The painful things. I have a lot of wonderful things in my life also and many things to be thankful for. I just wanted to give a background so that anyone reading may better understand where my sadness comes from.

I would also like to mention before I proceed that this is most likely never to become the eloquent and poetic musings that I envisioned when I decided to begin this whole blogging endeavor. We all imagine... Hell! Ok, just me. I imagined myself to be this deeply profound and melancholy soul not unlike Shakespeare or Poe (ha)... spilling out my woes and heartaches with such flowery gut-wrenching skill as to make one weep. (I give, that sounded dumb even to me) But you get my point.

Instead, I'm pretty sure my thoughts will be muddled and reek of attention-deficit disorder, jumping from one tidbit to another. Also, though my moods tend downward at times, on the whole I'm a very (ok not very) but relatively upbeat if not altogether happy little individual.

That, however will probably not be expressed in great quantities here as I seem only inspired to write crap down when I'm in a crappy mood. That may change, I dunno. So there it is. It begins. Stick with me please.